Tie My Tourniquet
by iswinteroveryet
Summary: Tegan has a self-harm problem, and Sara finds out about it. Will Tegan confess why she cuts? Quincest. Don't like, don't read. But please read and review!
1. Tie My Tourniquet

Author's Note: I like to know beforehand the time era is for a fic, so when I write them myself, I like giving you a time because it's easier to imagine…so, for this fic, Tegan and Sara are teenagers. Let's go with about 16 or 17, alright?

Chapter One: Tie My Tourniquet

Tegan's POV

Sara and I share a very close relationship. As twins, we have a bond that not a lot of siblings have. I consider myself lucky to be able to spend so much time with my sister, privileged even. Okay, I know what you're thinking. No siblings _like _each other. Most siblings actually make it seem like they hate each other. Well, I guess that's how it should be between Sara and me, but, it's just not. Sara is always pleasant and nice to me. She's like that to everyone really. Sara is just a good person. I on the other hand, am moody, and I act like a bitch to everyone sometimes for no reason at all…everyone except Sara.

There's no point in trying to hide it from you, reader. I, Tegan Rain Quin (God, you know you're a child of the eighties when your middle name is, "Rain"), am in love with my sister. Well, I'm not sure if _love_ is the word I should use. I mean, I love Sara, with all my heart, but I love her as a sister, I just seem to like her as more of a sister. I hope that makes sense. I'm sitting in Calculus class right now, and frankly, nothing makes sense to me.

I feel an itch on my arm, and before I think twice, I scratch my forearm roughly. _Oh shit._ I forgot about the cuts on my arm. My long nails tear open the fresh wounds from this morning, and soon I start to see the contrasting bright red of blood on my pale white skin. I pull my long sleeve over the bleeding cuts, and I raise my hand (my other hand…not the one with the blood).

After in insurmountable amount of time, my Calculus teacher finally acknowledges my swaying hand.

"Yes, Tegan? Do you have a question?" Mr. Kraft said.

"Yeah, may I use the restroom?" I ask.

"There are only 10 minutes left of the period. Can't you wait?" he asks. _If I could wait then I wouldn't be asking, now would I?_

"No, sir. I can't." I reply curtly.

He sighs in exasperation before saying, "Okay then. Just go then."

I hurry out the door with my backpack on one arm, and I rush to the girl's restroom. I push open the swinging door with my free hand, and I see that the room is vacant. _Thank god._

I pull up my sleeve to my elbow, and I run cool water over my bloody wrist. _Why did I have to scratch my fucking arm? Why couldn't I have cut my nails either? _Thankfully, only the three fresh cuts broke open. Though all my other cuts are visible right now with my sleeve pulled up so far. _Good thing the restroom was vacant_.

Just as the thought enters my mind, I hear the door open. I yank my sleeve back down, and put my hands behind my back. I turn around to see that the girl who walked in was my sister.

"Hey, Tee. Why are you holding your hands behind your back?" Sara asks, her expression changing from normal to worried. _Damn, she knows me so fucking well._

"No reason. I was just, uh, well um, I was-" I fumble over my words, and Sara walks over to me cautiously. She grabs my arms from behind me, and she slowly pushes my sleeves up. She gasps at the sight of all my cuts and scars, and she winces when she notices that I still have blood flowing out of three cuts.

"Tee…why did you-?Why didn't you tell me?" she asks. She stares into my eyes, and when I look up to stare into hers, I see that they're brimmed with tears.

"Sara, don't cry. I'm okay, I promise. This…cutting…it's just how I deal with things."

She wipes the tears from her eyes with her thumb, and she says, "Tegan, we are not done talking about this," she checks her watch, "because the period will be over in five minutes. But tonight we are going to have a long conversation about this." She nods down to my arms when she says the word 'this.'

"Oh, okay, Sasa." I respond weakly.

"But right now we need this bleeding to stop." She says. She grabs a paper towel, and she holds it there until the bell rings. By the time Sara removes her hand, the bleeding has stopped. I pull my sleeve back down again. _Well Tegan, she knows that you cut, but she doesn't know why. You have until tonight to think of another reason you cut besides the fact that you feel unrequited towards your sister. You can handle this Tegan, you can…right?_


	2. Chapter 2: I've Got You

**Author's note: Hey guys, I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long. I just got a new laptop, so hopefully I'll be able to write more often. Also, I'm sorry that this chapter is a bit short, but I haven't written in a while, so I have to get back in the swing of things.**

**Also, this chapter might be considered a bit graphic (self-harm wise). So if things like this might trigger you, then I caution you not to read this. Also, if you do decide to go ahead and read this, and it triggers you anyway, then please feel free to send me an ask. We can talk about it if you like. I'm always here for my readers and followers!**

**And, I'm not sure when and if I'll write another chapter. It all depends on the perception and my motivation, as well as my schedule since I'm going back to school soon. I hope you like the chapter! Be sure to read and review. Thanks :D**

Tegan POV

_I don't know any other way to describe the way I feel right now other than scared (also maybe 'scarred'). Today when Sara saw my cuts, when she saw my bloody wrist, and all of the self-inflicted damage done on my arm, I saw all of my pain reflected back into her eyes. I could tell that all she wanted to do was take away my pain, and I know that she must have felt trapped because the period was almost over and we had to go back to class. I have no idea what I'm going to tell her later when she confronts me, and I know she will confront me about this problem I have. I don't even think it's a problem…I'm the problem._

I set my pen down next to the notebook I've been writing in. I don't see why I write down how I feel, because it never works. Ever. I try so hard to write down how I feel and what I want to do to myself, but it's useless. I can only get my fix and feel better by dragging a razor across my arm. It's a disease, this depression and self-mutilation. A serious disease. I know what could happen if I don't get help; I could cut too deep one time and end up passed out on the floor then wake up in a hospital on suicide watch. The only thing worse than feeling this horrible is getting caught doing something so self-destructive.

I'm interrupted from my thoughts by Sara. She knocks on my door then lets herself into my dark, cluttered room.

"Tee? Can we talk now?" she asks quietly. Her voice is so soft and tender that it seems like she's talking to a scared animal, trying to keep it from running away. I stand up from the chair at my desk and put my notebook into a drawer.

"I guess, if you want…" I respond in an equally quiet tone of voice. I walk over to the door and close it to make sure mom doesn't hear anything we say. I know Sara will keep this a secret if she thinks she can help me herself. She sits down on my bed and motions for me to sit next to her. I slowly make my way over to her, trying to prolong this talk as long as possible.

"Tegan," she begins, "you know I love you, and I will _always _be here for you. Always, because I'm your sister." She grabs my hands and I look up at her (rather than the floor that I was previously focused on), and she continues by saying, "I can't stand to see you hurt yourself this way. Y'know how people sometimes say that if one twin feels something, so does the other? Well, when I saw your wrist like that…I hurt for you. I hurt because I knew that I hadn't been paying attention to you enough and I'm so sorry, Tee." By this point her eyes are brimmed with tears, and soon my eyes tear up as well from her words and the mere sight of my Sasa so upset over something I'd done.

"Sasa, don't…" I say and I wipe a tear from her eye. I pull her closer to me, and I rest my head in the crook of her neck. I'm crying too now, but I rub her back. "Sara, I'm sorry. I don't know how to deal with things sometimes, and I just…I hate myself so much. I feel like I deserve to have these cuts." Sara breaks our embrace and looks at me with sad eyes.

"No, no, no, Tegan. No. You don't deserve a single one of those cuts!" she sighs and turns to sit cross-legged facing me, and I position myself to sit in the same way, mirroring Sara.

Sara looks at me for a second then says, "I have to tell you something Tegan. I'm afraid that it might upset you more, but I'm sick of keeping this secret for you. I feel like I'm living a lie."

"Sara, we both came out to each other last summer. I don't know what else you could say that's so huge…don't tell me Sar, are you straight?" I chuckle and playfully poke Sara's shoulder. I realized I've fucked up the mood and I start apologizing, "Sara, I'm sorry, that was uncall-"

"Tegan I love you," she says curtly then winces and bites her lip as if she regrets saying it.

"What…? Like, _love _love. Not like, family love?" I ask, tilting my head slightly, trying to comprehend what Sara has just told me. She nods and I must smile slightly because Sara gives me a bewildered look.

I answer her unspoken question by saying, "That doesn't make me upset, Sara. It actually makes me feel so much better. You see, part of the reason that I cut is that I'm depressed. But the root of it is, I feel like a horrible person because…" I stop speaking due to a huge lump in my throat.

"Tee?" Sara says after a moment, "Because why?" Sara grips my hand again and gives me a look saying '_you can tell me Tee, it's okay'._ I swallow the lump in my throat and continue telling Sara, despite how hard it is.

"I feel like a horrible person because I fell in love with my twin sister. It's bad enough that I'm gay, but now I'm in love with the one person I shouldn't be in love with." I look down and feel ashamed, and then I feel Sara's hand lift up my chin to look at her.

"Tegan, do not feel ashamed. I love you too. We can get through this together, okay? I'll support you and help you get through your depression and cutting, and you can be here for me when I'm lonely. I've got you, and you've got me, and that's all we need."

My stomach flutters at Sara's words, and in that moment, I remember just how beautiful Sara is. I slowly lean forward and kiss her gently, timidly. Despite what she has told me, I'm still afraid that she'll pull away. I'm just about to break the kiss when Sara kisses me back. I lose my reservations and kiss her more firmly and she places her hand on my neck while still kissing me. She breaks the kiss and smiles at me, and then she says, "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do that."

I smile back at her and say, "Oh yes I do."

Sara crawls to the head of my bed and lies on her side, looking at me. She closes her eyes and says, "I feel so much better after telling you that. I feel even greater after kissing you too." She opens her eyes and bites her lip, successfully teasing me.

I roll my eyes even though her teasing has turned me on. "Sara, I know you're not really one for cuddling but-"

"Yes," she interrupts and answers.

"Quit interrupting me…"

"Do you want cuddles?" she asks, grinning at me.

"Well…yes, I do, but-"  
"No buts, just come here and cuddle with me, Tee."

I do as she says, and I crawl up to her and turn to lie on my side. I lean forward and kiss her lips softly. She smiles then turns over to face away from me. I wrap my arms around her, and I pull her closer to me. Our legs intertwine and we're in a comfy spooning position.

"Goodnight, Sasa," I whisper.

"Goodnight, Teetee," she whispers back, and we both drift into a comfortable sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry it's been so long since I updated! I suck at updating frequently. Just an fyi, but this chapter has a kinda awkward ending…but I didn't know quite how to end it. I had a different version/ending to thins, but I decide to use this one, even though it's more awkward. **

**Anyway, on to the important things. First off, this might be a triggering fic, so if you don't think it's healthy to read, then don't read it. Second, if you do read this, and you still feel triggered, come to my tumblr ask, or send me an email. I'd be more than will to talk to you if you need it. Third, this fic is kinda dedicated to my friend, Mary. She's a bit more than just a friend. She helps me through my issues with cutting that I still deal with now sometimes. (She probably actually doesn't want me to write this since it could be triggering). Anyway, if you like this fic, you should really be thanking **_**her**_**. Without her, I wouldn't even be able to write this without breaking down every few seconds.**

**I apologize for the length of the Author's Note. Here is my email, tumblr ask URL, and Mary's URL, respectively. Feel free to drop by whenever. I hope you like the chapter! Please leave a review with feedback, so I can improve for the next time :D**

**malmal75 yahoo . com**

** mallorykatluc . tumblr ask**

** prison-is-a-joke . tumblr . com**

Tegan POV

I wake up well-rested and warm. This is a much welcomed alternative to the usual way I wake up; thrashing in the middle of the night from some terrible nightmare, covered in sweat and panting. I push the thought from my mind, and I tighten my grip on Sara. After recalling the events of last night, I smile a genuine authentic smile. _This might be the first time I've really smiled and meant it in months. _

Sara has her back to me, and by the steadiness of her breathing, I assume she is still sleeping. I lean forward and gently press my lips on the skin of her shoulder exposed by the kami she decided to wear as a pajama top. I kiss all over her shoulder, and Sara soon stirs from her sleep. She turns to lie on her back, and I take this opportunity to straddle her small waist. I continue kissing her shoulder then over to her collarbone. Sara groggily stretches, and I take this opportunity to kiss from her perfect collarbone, up her neck, and along her jaw. I pull back with a grin on my face, and Sara's eyes flutter open softly as she says, "Good morning, Tee."

I lean forward and kiss her nose softly and say, "Good morning, Sasa." Sara giggles and smiles cutely. She reaches up and rubs the sleep from her eyes. As she moves her hands away from her face I kiss her jaw again. I kiss her cheek softly, then her nose again. Finally I lean down and kiss her lips, identical to mine, sensually. I break the kiss and look into her eyes. I bite my lip softly, and I roll off of her to lie beside her.

"You can't kiss me like that then just stop immediately afterward!" Sara protests. I grin.

She raises herself to balance some of her weight on her forearms. She continues with, "No Tegan, you can't do that to me." I look up and see her staring at me. I put on an innocent face and shrug. She rolls her eyes at me, and then she rolls on top of me, holding herself above me with her hands on either side of my head. We hold each other's look for a minute until she speaks again.

"How would you feel if I just kissed you like that, in the perfect way, and then just stopped?"

I must grin, and Sara's scowl disappears, and a small smile replaces it. She leans down and captures my lips in a sweet kiss. She transfers her weight onto my body, and she breaks the kiss then kisses me again, except this time she kisses me harder. Her soft lips against mine feel amazing, and I try to use twin telepathy to say, '_Please don't stop.' _ She must receive my message because she pulls away with a wicked grin on her face.

She can tell I'd rather keep kissing, so she says, "See? You don't like it when I kiss you then take it away from you, do you?" I reach up and pull her down to me, and I kiss her hard. She whimpers lightly into my mouth. Our kiss picks up, and she licks my bottom lip, asking me to deepen the kiss. I open my mouth, and she skillfully kisses me deeper. My hands get antsy, and they soon find a place to occupy themselves at the small of Sara's back, my left one underneath her kami. She places her left hand on my waist underneath my t-shirt, and she rubs my side. _She's found one of my good spots already_ I think, and I involuntarily let out a soft moan when she gently scratches my side with her short nails.

She uses her other hand to do the same thing above my other hip. She breaks the kiss and sits up. She motions for me to sit up as well, and I do. I lean up towards her, and she pulls my long-sleeved shirt off of me. I feel embarrassed for a moment, and I look away and bite my lip. She grabs my chin to make me look at her.

"Why do you look embarrassed, Tee? It's just me," She says. I lie back down, and I wrap my arms around myself in an attempt to hide my scars. She notices what I'm doing, and a quiet 'oh' escapes her mouth. After a moment she gently uncrosses my arms. She lifts them out, so my arms are outstretched, palms up, in front of her to see.

She scans up and down my scarred arms, and she finally says, "You're still beautiful, Tee." I look up at her with a confused look on my face, and she smiles at me warmly.

"You shouldn't be ashamed of these, Tegan. They're beautiful, just like you. These scars say something. They tell a story," Sara says. I furrow my brow in confusion. Sara looks at me for a moment before elaborating.

"These scars on your arms mean things. They mean that you don't see how wonderful you are. They mean that you're a survivor. They mean that you get scared sometimes. They mean that you have a hard time with some things." She lifts my hand up to her face, and she flips it over and kisses it gently, as if trying not to damage me.

"They mean that I'm broken, Sara," I say.

"No, they mean that you forget that you're loved by so many people, Tee. Like me," she says. She looks into my eyes with an expression when she said the words _like me_ that meant, '_Hey, Tee. I'm here for you, I love you.' _I smile slightly, and tears well in my eyes.

She leans down and wipes the tears from my eyes, and she kisses my lips softly. She sits back up and says, "Those will fade after a while, and soon the only story those scars will tell will be your story of how you survived."

"Sara, those will take a long, long time to fade. How am I supposed to be able to stay strong for that long?" I ask, unsure of myself.

"Well, Tee. I'm gonna be with you forever, and if that's how long those scars will last, then that's okay. I'll love your scars. Each and every one of them. But before I do that, I'm going to teach you how to love yourself, so you _can _stay strong for that long. I believe in you, Tee, and I'm going to teach you how to do it as well."


End file.
